Three little words. 15 letters. And a whole new way to look at life.


It’s been a rough week. I hate to say that I was having an ‘episode’ because when you deal with bipolar or any other mental health issue, it is more than that.

It’s a word that I don’t think exists yet.

I am often asked, ‘What does it feel like?’ And the only thing that I can compare it to is that it is like being a pickle jar lid that can’t be opened. Or the feeling you get when they run out of funnel cakes at the country fair. Or better yet- it’s like when your washing machine breaks down, and you’re out of underwear.

Life becomes background noises to my thoughts.

Here’s the issue I have with the whole thing. No one can see what’s wrong as far as if I had a broken bone or surgery. It’s invisible, with outward effects. I am tired. I can’t engage. My body hurts, but not physically. I don’t want to participate, but it’s forced because of sincere intentions.

And when the ‘episode’ is done, I remember it all. It scares me because I know what I was thinking and feeling- and it is usually something that would end me up in the hospital wearing a white gown and eating pudding through a straw.

I feel bad for my family, which makes the whole thing worse – making me spiral. And then we are off down a metal, broken-down, elementary school slide in summer.

‘What can I do to help?’ I hate that question.

Unless I am moving or cleaning the house- then please, by all means- be helpful. But otherwise, please don’t ask.

I know what you’re thinking. Yes, I had an appointment with the doctor- right in the middle of it all. What a horrible time to have an appointment because it’s easy to blame them. Why can’t they fix it? I don’t care if they are stressed, over worked, or dealing with their own issues- compassion is not on my radar. I just want them to shut-up and make it better. I promise I’ll pay you – just wave your magical doctor wand and say the magical words! Like lamotrigine. It sounds like a Harry Potter word… so it should help, right?

Which, 9 times out of 10- they don’t.


I guess you’re wondering what snaps people out of their ‘Alice in Wonderland’ moment. Pumpkin Spice Lattes. Ice cream. Music. Talking it out. Naps.

This time, it was not doing anything. I was planning on giving up writing. I hadn’t made any progress in the last few weeks. No matter how hard I tried or told myself, it was the economy – not me. I wanted to shut down my website. Disable all social media. Factory reset my computer.

And then sit on the couch and eat chocolate while watching Ultimatum and Sister Wives.

But a couple of weeks ago, my husband said three little words that I have tried to stand by.

One more day.

Just one more day of doing your best. It might not be great, but hold off on giving up one more day. Eventually, the day is done, and you haven’t self-sabotaged your dreams. The next day, even if you don’t want to, wake up saying, “One more day.”

By rule of thumb- if the day you’re going to quit never comes, than you’re on the right path.

It wasn’t easy coming out of the shadows this time- I was quite comfortable hanging out there. But I forced myself to give it another day and crawled myself out of the hole (with the help of my husband and kid).

It’s embarrassing to say that you are having an ‘episode.’ A stigma comes with it that you are not in control or, worse, ‘crazy.’ It took me days to write this blog because I don’t want anyone to feel sorry for me or judge me. My shadows make up a part of who I am, and I’m okay with that.

But- if you are having a rough day, week, or even month; I need you to remember:

One More Day!

One thought on “Three little words. 15 letters. And a whole new way to look at life.

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  1. I would present you with a Harry Potter Wand in a gold box if it would help.
    I would say all the magical words if it would help.
    Compassion is all I can offer and the most heartfelt prayers.
    I thank you for the honesty and bravery in sharing your journey. The humanity in me wishes I could do for you.

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