Friends,

Knowing me for any length of time, you’d know that I flop like a dead fish into opportunities rather than gracefully land on my feet.

That is what happened to me today.

It has been at least four days since I confirmed my intention not to return to work. I announced to the world that I would be working on my podcast, my blogging, and attempting to become a New York best-selling author. There was no limit to what could be done when I was not encumbered by a 9 to-5 job.  

I have been blessed with wonderful days. At 4 in the morning, I wake up, drink coffee, stumble upstairs, research, write, and watch YouTube videos. Generally, I run around 6:30 a.m., either with the dogs or on the treadmill, or I pretend that I’ll run later. I am trying to kick my husband out by 7:30 in the morning because he keeps talking to me, and I don’t need that kind of negativity in my life. 

I spend my time running errands, cooking, cleaning, and doing whatever my son has planned for us between 9:00 am and 12:00 pm.  

1:00 – 2:00 pm – couch time. Take a nice long nap.

After 1:00 p.m. I realize I should ‘work’ on either my podcast or research and half-heartedly return to my office.  

4:30 pm- start dinner.

7:00 pm finds me on the couch, exhausted, and watching Sister Wives on Discovery. Now there is a drama-filled show!

Perfect life!

That all turned to shit this afternoon.

I did not realize I was starting a new job until he said, “Great! HR will send you the official offer, and we will get you sworn in.”.

Sworn in?

I have questions! 

Excuse me?

Hello?

Damn it! He hung up.

I had applied for the job back when I was still in Alaska. I didn’t realize that there was going to be a three-hour test until after I filled out the application; however- never one to back down from a challenge, I completed that god-awful examination.

Then I moved on. I had no idea what I was doing throughout the 3 different sections. I didn’t even understand what they were asking me. I walked away, thinking that was going to be the quickest rejection letter ever.

I passed.

Two days before I left Alaska, a random email came through, and they were asking if I was still interested in pursuing the position. I responded back with a picture of my U-Haul trailer and the dog in the front seat. 

They apparently took that as a yes because they scheduled me a phone interview within days of arriving in Washington.

Phone interviews. Let’s talk about those. I think they should be banned as an option. If there are no face-to-face interactions, I am lost on how to respond. Should I just be professional? Should I try to be at least a tiny bit humorous? I am generally a funny person. But I am not sure. What if they have no sense of humor? What if they are all old and tired and waiting for retirement? I know that feeling- I was there just a few years ago with the military. 

However, it does save me from the awkward moments when they ask dumb questions, and I obviously have not controlled my facial expressions. 

So there are some benefits.

The day of the phone interview arrives. I am waiting in my office 15 minutes before the appointment time- and the phone rings. What the hell? They are way early. I was not mentally prepared- I was on Facebook posting memes and liking random family road trips to Ohio for someone’s 2nd cousin’s daughter’s wedding. 

Nope, I got the time wrong. It was at 11:15 and not 11:30 like I thought. 

It gets better!

In the middle of the interview, I accidentally hang up on them while drinking coffee and browsing road trip photos.

Winner!

Did they call back?

Yes, they did!

We finished the interview in relative peace. I hung up and have been patiently waiting for the rejection letter. I have a wall of them in the new home to remind me why I was not returning back to work- because I am not qualified to do anything. 

They offered me the job today.

The kicker is, he was really cool when I responded with – ‘you’re shitting me.’ He even laughed a little.

As soon as they laughed, I was in their hands.

In the back of my mind, I had questions. How much was the pay? Did I have to put grown-up clothes on? Do I have my own office? Is there a suitable coffee house nearby?

Did I ask any of them?

Nope!

I just said sure when he asked if I could start Monday.

And now here I am- already wondering where I am door dashing dinner from tonight. I might as well get back into the habit.